


Castles In the Sky

by wicked3659



Category: due South
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, Kid Fic, M/M, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:54:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26193001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wicked3659/pseuds/wicked3659
Summary: It's been six years since Ray left Fraser's cabin with the fate of his marriage hanging in the air.So many things have changed and many things that Fraser wish had changed.
Relationships: Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski, Ray Kowalski/Other(s)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19
Collections: Remix Revival 2020 Madness





	Castles In the Sky

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Remains of the Day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/404391) by [Isis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isis/pseuds/Isis). 
  * In response to a prompt by [Isis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isis/pseuds/Isis) in the [remixmadness2020](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/remixmadness2020) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> No safe works, go wild. I have lots of fandoms not represented in the request, and many crossovers, which you may remix if you like. I will be more interested if you remix something in my current fandoms, but feel free to pick anything. I have very little art but you're welcome to remix it. Heck, you can remix my videos, too!
> 
> Previous remixes are tagged 'Remix' and can be found by https://archiveofourown.org/works?utf8=%E2%9C%93&commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&include_work_search%5Bfreeform_ids%5D%5B%5D=136&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&user_id=Isis
> 
> Thank you dearly to [Spacetimeconundrum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceTimeConundrum/pseuds/SpaceTimeConundrum) for the excellent beta and advice.

Remix for:  [ https://archiveofourown.org/works/404391 ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/404391)

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face

'Cause you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

What could it be worse?

****

Pulling up to the house, I asked myself as I always did what I was doing there. The answer was always the same, we were partners, we were friends. At my age, it was unlikely I was ever going to have a family and the fact that I had been welcomed, invited into Ray’s was something of a gift. It wasn’t what I’d hoped for when he left my cabin over six years ago but it was better than being completely alone. 

Getting out of my truck, I heard her before I saw her. “Uncle Ben!” Turning, I opened my arms wide to catch her as she sprinted across the sprawling garden to my side. Her laugh warmed my heart as I spun her in the air and she wrapped her arms around my neck. “Mia Kowalski, you have grown.” I said quite seriously. 

“I have?” she beamed at me.

“Yes, at least four inches.” 

“Well, I  _ am _ nearly six now, Uncle Ben,” she stated proudly. “And I got a star in school today!” 

“You did not!”

“I did! I drew a picture, my teacher said it was the best. You wanna see?”

Chuckling, I tapped her nose. “What kind of question is that? Don’t I always want to see?” 

She squirmed in my arms and I put her down. “I’ll go get it.” She was already running back into the house before I could respond, the girl had so much energy, much like her father used to. “Daddy! Uncle Ben is here!” 

I smiled at Ray who appeared at the front door. “Really, Mia? I hadn’t realised.” He grinned as Mia ran past him into the house. 

A soft woof in the back drew my attention. “Yes, alright, you’re even more impatient in your old age, you do realise that?” I told Dief who gave me a belligerent yip. He was as excited to see Ray and Mia as I was. Letting out Dief, I turned and smiled at Ray ruffling Dief’s fur affectionately in the middle of the path. 

“Hi Ben, glad you could make it.” I liked that he called me Ben now.

Amy had always referred to me as Uncle Ben in front of Mia anyway, as she had always called me Benton rather than Fraser. It made things less confusing for Mia I supposed so I hadn’t minded. Ray smiled at me, it was warm but it didn’t erase the tiredness I saw in his eyes. 

“I wouldn’t have missed it. A girl only turns six once.” I smiled at his soft laugh. “It’s really good to see you, Ray.” He ducked his head and then with his customary gusto, pulled me into a tight hug. 

I couldn’t help but melt a little into his tight embrace and wrap my arms around him in kind. I cherished the affection he allowed himself to show me. He was thinner than the last time I visited and that worried me, it had only been three months. “You’ve lost weight.” I pulled back to find his smile had gone and he looked older than he had in years. 

“Yeah, you know how I can’t keep my weight on.” He ran a hand through his hair, not meeting my eyes. 

“Is everything alright?” 

He glanced up at me and I could see so much pain and regret in his eyes. So much he wanted to tell me and couldn’t say. “Later,” he headed back into the house and waved for me to follow. "Amy's at work, so I'm making lunch. Come on, you had a long drive, you must be hungry."

I had known from his email earlier in the month that things had become increasingly strained in his marriage but he didn’t offer details and I hadn’t wanted to push. Perhaps I should have done. When it came to Ray, I was never certain how far I could go, what he would be willing to tell me. I missed the ease that had once existed between us. There were days when I ached for it. I had however learned to accept whatever he offered to share many years ago, telling myself it was better, infinitely better than not having him in my life at all. 

****

It had been 6 months since Ray had gone back to Arizona. I hadn’t heard from him in that time and I presumed he had decided to remain and work things out with his wife, Amy. While I wished, had hoped his choice would have been different, he was going to be a father soon and I knew Ray would ultimately choose to do the right thing. 

I had so convinced myself that my feelings could never be returned that my hand trembled over the keyboard of my computer as I stared at the email in my inbox. It would either confirm my fears or keep that tiny flame of hope within me alive. No matter what, I knew I would always love Ray, my Ray. I was always going to be his friend. I was not a man who let go of love easily, no matter how unrequited that love was. Taking a deep breath, I clicked on the email.

_ Fraser,  _

_ I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. Things have been…well, it’s been rough. Amy got really sick during the pregnancy and it was never the right time. She made it, the baby was born early though so I’ve been at the hospital for like ever I think.  _

_ I have a daughter, Frase! God, she’s beautiful. I’ve attached a picture. Her name is Mia. She’s a month old now and she’s finally home.  _

_ Anyway, Amy and I, well we talked and we both admitted there were problems between us. We’re going to try and figure things out and see where we go from here, you know, for Mia’s sake. I know I asked you for another chance and I’ll be honest, I do love you, but this feels like the right thing to do now that there’s a child involved. I guess we both knew that this was a possibility, so I hope it doesn’t come as too much of a shock. _

_ How are things up there? Let me know, would be good to hear from you. Really good… _

_ Partners? _

_ Ray _

Clicking on the attached file, I gasped at the image of Mia. She looked so tiny in Ray’s arms. I found myself unable to breathe and closed the browser. 

I wanted Ray to be happy. Yet I felt hollow, adrift. My hands were shaking and before I could stop myself I was weeping for something that had never been mine. When Diefenbaker put his head on my lap, I came undone. I curled my hands in his fur and I wept more than I had done in years. I had allowed myself to be deluded by hope for too long. I had been such a fool.

****

Returning from my walk with Diefenbaker, I frowned to find Mia wearing her big coat and sat on her swing in the garden outside the house. She looked desolate. “Mia, what are you doing outside? It’s getting dark.” 

She shrugged and kicked her feet in the dirt. 

Sighing, I sat on the second swing seat beside her. “Did something happen?” 

She shrugged again and glanced at me with those bright blue eyes that were red from crying.

Wiping away a tear with my thumb, I frowned. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

She shook her head and looked down at the ground. 

“Would a hug help?” I offered tentatively. 

She gave me a small nod so I moved to kneel on the ground in front of her and she folded into my arms, her head on my shoulder. My heart broke to hear her little stifled sobs into my jacket and I gently rubbed her back in an attempt to comfort her. I felt vastly out of my depth. 

Then I heard it. The yelling was loud enough to be heard, but not for me to make out all the words. The anger and frustration was evident for anybody walking past to hear. No wonder Mia was upset. I knew then what was wrong and was at a loss. 

“They shout all the time.” Mia whispered, pulling away slightly to fiddle with my jacket. “Mommy is always angry.” 

“She’s not angry with you,” I soothed. 

Mia sniffed and wiped her face. “She gets mad at Daddy. It makes me sad because he gets sad.” 

“It’s okay to be sad, sweetheart,” I murmured, petting her blonde hair. “You have to remember though, that no matter how mad or sad they seem, they both love you very much.” 

“I get scared that Daddy is going to go away, that he won’t love me anymore.” 

I closed my eyes tightly. It would not do for me to lose my composure. “Oh Mia, your father will always, always love you, don’t ever doubt that.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes, really.” 

She looked up at me with those big eyes that reminded me so much of her father. “How do you know?” 

“Well, I have known your father a very long time,” I smiled. “He is my best friend.” 

“I have a best friend. She’s called Emily.” 

“And don’t you and Emily know each other very well?” I asked. 

Mia nodded avidly. “We always play together and she tells me all her secrets and I tell her mine.” 

“Well, there you go, so you know that I’m telling you the truth.” 

“Daddy tells me stories about what he used to do when he was a policeman in Chicago, he said you were his partner then.” 

I smiled, it was somewhat gratifying to me that Ray still spoke of our time together back then. “I was.”

“Will you tell me a story?” she asked with a hopeful smile. 

“Hmm,” Sitting more comfortably on the cold frosty ground, I sat Mia on my leg and Diefenbaker came to join us, nuzzling at her until she giggled and stroked him. “Did your daddy ever tell you about the time we had to go on a boat?” At the shake of her head, I smiled and began my story.

**** 

Sometime later, I spied Ray leaning against the front door watching us fondly. I gave him a smile and finished up my story. Mia was smiling and laughing gleefully by the end and it gave me no small amount of joy to see her light up when she noticed her father. 

“Daddy! Uncle Ben told me about when you had to go on a boat and stop the bad guys and - and you shouted at each other but you made up because you’re best friends!” Mia hugged Ray tightly before dashing inside to regale her mother with the story, with Diefenbaker hot on her heels. 

Getting to my feet, I grimaced a little at the stiffness in my legs from sitting too long on the very cold ground with a child on my knee. Moving to stand by Ray, I could tell he’d been crying.

“Thanks, Ben…” Ray murmured quietly. “I hate her seeing us...hearing us fight.”

I nodded in understanding and dared to put a hand on his shoulder. “Do you need...that is, I...is there anything I can do?”

“Would you mind, um…” he looked conflicted for a moment. “Can we go for a drive? I need to uh, clear my head a bit.” 

“Of course, Ray, come on.” 

****

_ Ben, _

_ Do you mind if I call you Ben? When I saw that you signed your emails that way, I figured it was okay?  _

_ Anyway, it was good to hear from you. I'm glad you replied eventually. Was worried when I didn’t hear anything for six months…guess you get busy with patrol and what not? Well, I’m glad anyway.  _

_ Mia is doing great, thanks for asking. She’s strong.  _

_ Congrats on your promotion, that makes you what, a Sergeant now? I got a new job too. It’s nearer your neck of the woods. I’m going to be moving to Anchorage in Alaska. I’m pretty excited to tell you the truth, be nice for Mia to grow up somewhere where my meddling in-laws aren’t around and I’ll be glad to get away from Carmichael. Amy is all for the move. Her folks, well, most of her family actually, have been all over my ass, making things difficult for us ever since Mia was born. They don’t like me very much and it’s putting extra stress on things which we don’t need right now. Amy has an aunt and uncle up that way that she says she likes quite a lot, so she doesn’t mind too much. _

_ It looks like it’s only about 11 hours from Haines Junction too, so I’ll send you the address when we’re settled. I’d really like for you to meet Mia. Please say you’ll visit?  _

_ I’m not going to take no for an answer, so just come okay?  _

_ Yours, _

_ Ray _

Reading Ray’s email made me feel lighter than I had in many months. He hadn’t given up on me despite my long silence. Granted, I had been on a month-long patrol. 

As much as it hurt to let him go, my heart was his in spite of my attempts to distance myself, but he had made his choice and I would respect that as I promised I would. Still, Ray managed to push through my defences as he always had since the day we met. I clicked the reply button and started writing. I wanted him to know I was pleased he would soon be living much closer to me. That I was still and would always be his friend.

****

Ray directed me to a small motel on the outskirts of the city. Why on earth would he want to come here to clear his head? 

"I uh…" He held up a key. "You want to come in?" 

"In?" I knew my face must've been a picture of shock when he flinched. "You  _ live _ here?" 

"Beats my car." 

I had no choice but to follow him when he got out. I had so many questions and felt the sting of hurt that he hadn't told me things had gotten so bad. 

"Haven't been entirely honest with you, Ben," he murmured as he unlocked the door. 

I was greeted by a pathetic sight. The room was strewn with clothes and an unwashed mug of stale coffee sat on the bedside table. A suitcase took up much of the floor space and a duffel bag sat open on one of the chairs. "Dear Lord, Ray," I uttered as I surveyed the mess. "How long?"

Rubbing the back of his neck he shrugged. "Lost count… long enough?"

"Ray…"

He sighed tiredly and started picking up some of his clothes. "Sorry about the mess."

"How long?" I asked again, frustrated by his stubbornness. 

"Does it matter?" He snapped, shoving the clothes onto the bed. 

He turned away from me and I watched as the life seemed to drain out of him. His entire body, that had once driven me to distraction with its exuberant endless energy, sagged and it pained me to hear him stifling soft desperate sobs. "Oh, Ray." I did the only thing I could. The only thing I wanted to do. I took him into my arms and held him tightly as he wept. 

"God, Ben," he turned in my arms and held onto me like his life depended on it. "I fucked up, I fucked everything up." 

There was nothing I could say that would make any of it better so I just held him tighter, rubbed his back and let him hold on. 

We stood like that for around twenty minutes before he calmed down a little and finally looked at me. His eyes were as captivating as they had always been. My breath caught when his hand reached up to touch my cheek. It was trembling faintly and against my better judgement I found myself closing my eyes and pressing my face into the warmth of his hand. "Ray…" my voice came out in a whisper. 

Ray's voice was so small and fraught, it made my heart clench. "Do you… fall out of love easily, Ben?" 

Overlaying my hand on his, I shook my head, not daring to look him in the eyes. 

"I think about you." 

My heart was pounding as he ran his thumb over my lips. 

"All the time." 

"Ray please…" I had to look at him and took hold of his hand with both my own. "This won't fix anything."

"Who said anything about fixing?" 

When his lips touched mine, it felt like no time at all had passed between us. His kisses were tentative, hopeful, needy, becoming increasingly heated as I allowed myself to be swept up in the storm that was Ray Kowalski.

What was I doing? I broke the kiss with a gasp and pushed him back slightly to put some distance between us. My hands gripped his shoulders keeping him at bay. "Ray, I--I can't, please don't do this to me…not again..." 

He stared at me with such intensity I could feel myself burning with the guilt of my desire for him, both of us panting. He was hurting, I would not take advantage of that. 

"You're married, Ray," I stated. Shaking my head, I pushed on in the wake of his silence. "I told you six years ago I wouldn't…that I couldn't."

"Was married." 

It was my turn to stare at him. He freed himself from my grasp and went to sit on the edge of the bed. After a long moment, I joined him and waited. 

"She filed for divorce twelve months ago. Just a matter of time now," he explained, his face pinched. "We've been separated more or less since Mia was three. We started having problems not long after we came up here," he let out a humourless laugh. "Slept in the guest room for a while. We didn’t tell anyone, and you know how good I am at not breaking cover. We were still trying to make a go of it, you know. It’s complicated when there’s a kid involved. Then about eighteen months ago Amy kicked me out and I slept in my car, that sucked. Got in trouble with work when she filed for divorce, went off the rails a bit, had to quit drinking." Taking a deep breath, Ray rubbed his face. "Moved in here after that. Then I took early retirement so I could spend time with Mia, pick her up from school and be there until she goes to bed, then I leave. Weekends are a bit harder, but I have a part time job, so Amy just tells her I'm at work."

I swallow a few times before I can find my voice. I was feeling such utter despair that we had grown so far apart, it threatened to overwhelm me. "You never told me, Ray." 

He nodded and bowed his head. "Was scared, ashamed. Forty eight year old twice-divorced loser. Didn't want you to think less of me I guess. Always did try to impress you."

"My God, Ray. Do you really think so little of me?" He looked up at me sharply and I saw fear in his eyes. 

"No, course not, Ben, you've been so supportive, so understanding. I knew, I know how you’ve felt all this time and all you've ever done is stand by me."

"You're my friend, Ray, what did you honestly expect me to do?"

He shrugged. "Get mad at me, hit me, vanish into the Great White North? I dunno." He dropped his gaze to the floor. 

"That wouldn't be buddies, Ray," I told him gently. 

That got a small genuine smile that made him appear ten years younger. I couldn't help myself and reached up to brush the backs of my knuckles over the rough stubble of his jaw. "I've missed that smile." 

"Ben...I want," he turned to me, his face earnest, hopeful. "I have no right to ask, but…" He leaned closer, his hand coming up to tangle in my hair, sending shivers down the length of my spine. His kiss was fervent, wanton and in the wake of the revelation that his marriage was over, my resolve shattered. I gathered him in my arms, kissing him back urgently.

"Fuck, Ben," Ray's lips mouthed over mine, nipping sucking as he climbed into my arms and straddled my lap, murmuring in between his hot, desperate kisses. "So good, dreamed of this. Dreamed of you." He panted, his hands stripping off my jacket, sliding under my shirt, wringing a gasp from me. "I hoped you still wanted me...I was so scared, I couldn't, I'm so sorry Ben, I--"

"--sshh, I'm here, Ray, it's alright." I couldn't stop touching him, kissing him if I tried. Even divesting each other of our clothes didn't separate us. He pushed me back into the bed, his hands caressing my bare chest. Our kiss finally broke when he began sucking and licking at my throat. He slid down my body, his blunt fingertips raking over my nipples making me arch into his hands and groan. "Ray, God, I never stopped wanting you."

"You got me Ben, anything you want." 

I watched him make short work of the fly of my jeans and tug them down my legs, along with my underwear, kicking them to the floor. I lay exposed, my desire for him evident in my prominent erection. He grinned wildly, the smile lighting up his whole face. A smile I had always adored. Standing up at the foot of the bed, he wrestled with his own jeans and then his boxer shorts before he was on me. My Ray, naked, aroused and in my arms, kissing me so hard, he took my breath away. 

****

_ Ben, _

_ I'm sorry.  _

_ I should've told you that me and Amy are going through a bad patch. Not just a patch really, been going on since I was last at your cabin I guess. We’ve been trying to make a go of it since Mia was born, but you were right. I know I was mad at you when you said it, but you were 100% right. It didn't fix anything. I fucked up then and I fucked up now.  _

_ It was just so good to see you again. I know Mia is only four, but she loved having you there for Christmas. She adores you, you know. Not that I should be surprised, she's my little girl after all. _

_...I don't regret kissing you, will never regret that ever. God, Ben, I want to kiss you every day for the rest of my life if I could…but I wasn’t thinking. _

_ I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I know it wasn’t fair. I wasn’t thinking. _

_ I know you're angry, but please talk to me…not asking you to forgive me, just don't leave my life okay?  _

_ Still partners? _

_ Yours, _

_ Ray _

****

Holding Ray in my arms, him straddling me, his hard penis pressing against my stomach, our bodies slick with sweat; we made love. It felt so surreal that I could not stop gazing at him. I committed his heavy-lidded blissed out expression to memory. 

I would not have expected either of us capable for a second time that evening. However, it seemed that time had not dulled our desire for one another nor our libido. This time was much less frantic than when we'd arrived at the motel. Then we had been little better than animals in heat. Now, it was slow, tender, his lips caressing my face as he rocked above me, clenching around me as I moved inside him. My hand squeezed his penis, stroking it in time with my thrusts. I could hear myself moaning desperately into his shoulder, his arms squeezing me tightly. I never wanted the moment to end.

"Ben, let go," he murmured into my ear. "Come inside me...fuck, Ben...need it." 

His words wrecked me and I unravelled in his arms, coming so hard I saw stars behind my eyelids. A few seconds later I held Ray close while he cried out as though wounded, his come spilling over my hand and my stomach. I disregarded the mess and tugged him into a kiss, swallowing his shaky moans. 

We lay tangled in each other's arms for a long while, sharing kisses, just looking at each other as though seeing each other for the first time. My hands still trembled when I caressed his face. I had all but given up hope I could have this, have him. I was afraid to breathe too hard lest it all turn to dust in my fingers. 

"This was greatness," Ray smiled at me, his hand toying with my hair. "Better than I remember." 

"Mmm," I hummed, enjoying his tender affections. I wanted to wake up to this every day if he would have me. "Ray, you don't need to live here," I started softly. 

"Oh yeah, and where am I supposed to live?"

"You could come home with me," I offered tentatively. "It's not that far, you could make it work."

He frowned and turned to lie on his back. "Mia--"

"--shouldn't be lied to," I interrupted gently. "What you and Amy are doing, well, it just seems like it's more for you to avoid the difficult conversation of telling Mia the truth." 

Ray sat up abruptly and turned away from me. "No choice. She's six years old."

"Yes, and a very perceptive six year old at that. She knows you fight, she knows you're sad. She sees and hears more than you think. Is that what you want for her?" 

"What do you know about making difficult choices huh? You only have to worry about yourself." 

I reeled back as though Ray had slapped me. How could he…after all this time throw that in my face? I felt a rush of anger. "While I may not have been married, nor had a child, Ray, I am well acquainted with making difficult choices, of- of making sacrifices." I got off the bed and began searching for my clothes. 

"Ben, wait, stop. I'm sorry."

I snatched my wrist out of his hand and glared at him. "No, Ray, you're not sorry. If you had ever been sorry, you would have stopped doing this to me." I put on my underwear and my jeans roughly. "I made the choice six years ago to wait, to hope and for what Ray? So you could make a fool out of me?" 

Eyes wide, Ray stared at me fearfully. "It's not like that," he whispered.

"Then what is it like?" I shouted, grabbing my sweatshirt. "For God's sake Ray! What do you want?" 

"I...Ben, I love you…"

My heart pounded painfully hard in my chest as I crouched in front of him, taking his hands in mine and holding tightly. "It's not enough anymore, I can't keep pretending if you--" my voice failed me and I shook my head. My voice trembled, I could barely get out the words. "Come home with me."

Our eyes met and I knew I would be going home alone. I dropped my head in defeat. I was broken. 

"Ben, I--" 

Wiping my face roughly, I kissed his forehead and headed for the door. 

"Ben!" 

I stopped, my hand on the doorknob, my chin on my chest. "I never stopped loving you, Ray. I'm not sure I ever could." I had never admitted it to him aloud but it was all I had left. Opening the door, I stepped out into the frigid night air and closed it quietly behind me. 

****

I had one night left in Ray's house. Tomorrow was Mia's birthday. I had had much practice over the years at keeping up appearances, but beyond that, I knew I couldn't keep doing this to myself. Letting Ray do this to me. I loved the man more than I could articulate, but he'd been running scared ever since he had first ran back to Chicago after our quest. It hurt too much, no matter how hard I tried to guard my heart. Enough was enough.

I stared at the house as I pulled into the drive. The thought of never seeing Ray nor Mia again was utterly heartbreaking. Getting out of the truck, my stomach felt as though it were weighed down by rocks. I desperately needed to change and to sleep before my long drive home the next day. I stopped when I saw Amy in the kitchen and she looked at me blandly. 

"Benton." She put away the dish she was cleaning. "Ray at his motel?"

I nodded mutely. 

"Did he tell you?" 

I held her gaze. "About the divorce?"

She nodded and wiped her hands. "It's been a long time coming. Can't love a man who's always been in love with someone else." 

"Amy, Ray loves--"

"--Benton, I have a lot of respect for you and my daughter loves you, so please don't insult me by finishing that sentence," she gave me a wry smile. "Would rather not have to ask you to leave before Mia's birthday." 

"Understood." 

"We moved here because of you, did you know that?"

I stared at her dumbfounded. "What?" 

She glared at me and bit her lip. "I find it hard to believe that you are that clueless," she let out a short sharp laugh. "Though, I suppose I should find it comforting that you're possibly just as naive and foolish as me."

"I'm not sure I understand," I replied, rubbing my eyebrow. I really was at a loss. "Ray moved to Alaska because he got a job. He told me you wanted to get away from certain members of your family, that you were happy with the decision." 

Her eyes narrowed at me and she folded her arms. "When your husband gets a job on the other side of the country and you have a six month old baby with him, you don't really get much of a choice. Yes, my family is overbearing and they interfered and I don't think they ever warmed to Ray, but he didn't come all the way up here for me and Mia. He came here for himself, to be closer to you." 

I frowned and shook my head in disbelief. "He said it was a good opportunity, he wanted a fresh start with you." I insisted. "Amy, I know Ray, he's not a selfish man. I know he was trying to save his marriage, he thought the move would help."

Amy shook her head and rolled her eyes before staring up at the ceiling. "He's really got you wrapped around his little finger doesn't he?" She scoffed. "How do you not get this, Benton? Ray lied to you, just like he lied to me."

"He wouldn't--"

"--did he tell you he was sleeping in a motel before tonight? That he has been since I filed for divorce twelve months ago? Did you know he's been sleeping in the guest room since Mia was three? Did he tell you any of it?" 

"I--"

She must have seen the anguish on my face, in my eyes. Her gaze momentarily flashed sympathy and understanding before it melted away to pity. "Lying by omission, is still lying, Benton." 

"He must have had his reasons," I replied quietly. "Our friendship doesn't have the ease it used to and a man's marriage is private."

"It's because he's in love with you!" She snapped harshly. "He didn't tell you because he knew you'd feel guilty. It took me screaming in his face and threatening to take Mia before he would even admit it to me! God, how are you this blind?!" She covered her mouth and closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to calm herself down. "Benton, I need you to be really honest with me right now," her voice had a sharp edge to it as she looked me in the eye. "Have you been having an affair with my husband?" 

"Good Lord, Amy, no! I didn't. I wouldn't!"

"Not for lack of Ray's trying though, huh?"

At my frown, Amy huffed a humourless laugh. "Don't try to deny it, Benton. I know he kissed you." 

The guilt was a knife to my gut. "He told you that?" I asked quietly. "Did he also tell you how angry I was at him for it?" 

"Not angry enough to tell him to stop. Not angry enough to keep your feelings to yourself either. He must have loved that. Did he try to sleep with you too?" 

"No, he did not," I replied firmly. "Ray knew he had crossed a line and apologised. As for my own feelings, I have done nothing but be a friend to Ray and to you, I have not acted inappropriately nor attempted to seduce your husband." 

The scorn and anger faded from Amy's face a little and she let out a sigh. "I saw his emails," she admitted evenly. "I wasn't even looking for anything, had no reason to. We were trying to work things out, or so I thought. Then I had to use his computer and he hadn't logged out or closed it and there they were." She chewed on her lip, blinking a few times before continuing. "That's when I knew."

"Knew what?" I whispered.

"I was never going to win, because Ray's heart was never in it." Her eyes met mine and I had no words. "How could I ever compete," she waved her hand at me. "With you?"

"Amy, I never intended to interfere in your relationship with Ray." I could not keep the bitterness out of my words. "Ray knew of my feelings before he got married and he made his feelings about them exceedingly clear. Ray's own words to me were, 'I did not think, hey, when I grow up I'm gonna marry another guy, live with him at the edge of nowhere. That is not my life.’ So you see, Amy, from where I'm standing, it is I who could never compete with you, nor would I have tried to once he made his decision clear to me. He married you. He  _ chose _ you. He made his choice and I respected it regardless of my feelings towards him. I did not act on them, I would not have done. I was grateful to be included in his life, and be welcomed into your family. I'd never do anything to jeopardise that."

"Oh, don't give me that, Benton." She retorted sharply. "You knew we were having problems before Mia was born. When he went to stay with you, he told you how he felt about you then didn't he?"

At my silence, Amy took a few angry steps towards me. "Didn't he?!"

I closed my eyes, recalling how Ray had asked me for a second chance. "Yes."

Satisfied with my answer, Amy seemed somewhat relieved. "He told me you refused to let him cheat on me back then. I also saw how angry you were at him for kissing you that Christmas in your email. That, 'fit of pique' as you called it, is the  _ only _ reason I believe that you haven't been fucking my husband for the past five years." 

I flinched at the anger in her words. My guilt at having slept with Ray that evening prevented me from being able to look her in the eye. 

"Ray is in love with you, Benton and if you had any god given sense, you would run far away in the opposite direction. But I'm starting to suspect you’re as foolish as I have been." She sighed again. "Under the circumstances, I think it best if you don't visit anymore."

I nodded in defeat, swallowing around the lump in my throat, my gaze fixed on the floor. I was desolate and angry that Ray in his indecision and dishonesty had done this. Done this to us both. 

I could not win. How was this my life? I had tried to be Ray's friend, remain in his life at his behest. Ignored my own feelings for him although it broke my heart to do so, only to be accused of betrayal anyway. Perhaps I truly didn't know Ray as well as I thought I did.

Amy walked past me, her voice sounding softer and more weary. "I don’t hate him and I don't hate you. I'm just tired of living in the shadow of you and being reminded of - well it doesn't matter now." 

I looked up at her and she regarded me coolly. "I'm sorry, Amy. I never intended for this to happen."

Nodding, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "You should do yourself a favour, Benton and let him go, you deserve to be happy too." She looked at me for a long uncomfortable moment. "I expect you to call at Christmas. Mia would be upset if you didn't."

"Of course…" 

"Goodnight, Benton, thank you for being a friend to Mia. It couldn’t have been easy for you." Her words were clipped and cold, not that I deserved any warmth or forgiveness from her. "Ray took advantage of your feelings as much as he did our marriage. You would do well to remember that. Have a safe drive back tomorrow."

****

"But why do you have to go?" Mia pouted forlornly. 

"I have a long drive back home, Mia, but I'm very happy to have seen you on your birthday." 

Letting out a sigh, Mia held the wooden wolf statue that I had given her, tightly in her small hands. "When will you visit?"

"Not for a while, sweetheart," I heard myself say. I didn't know the answer to that. "I have work and I have to go very far on patrol. Your mother says I can call you at Christmas. Will that be alright?" 

Mia nodded sadly and then flung herself into my arms. Her small stature belied her strength and she squeezed me hard. 

"Be a good girl, Mia Kowalski and what is it you need to remember?" 

"Mommy, Daddy and Uncle Ben love me no matter what." 

"That's right," I smiled and let her go. "Go play with Emily, she's waiting for you." 

She beamed at me and with a faint peck on the cheek she was gone. Getting to my feet, I gestured for Dief and headed to my truck where Ray was waiting for me. 

"Thanks for coming," he said meekly, not meeting my eyes. 

"You'll be alright?" I asked softly. 

He gave a sharp nod. "I talked to my mom, I'm going to go to Arizona for a bit. Amy and I talked this morning. We decided we're going to tell Mia the truth," he looked at me then. "About last night--"

"--Not to worry, Ray. It's already forgotten." 

"No, I--" 

I held up my hand. My voice sounded rough even to me. "Please Ray… don't make this any harder than it already is with promises that you won't keep. I'm not sure I could bear it." 

He swallowed, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. Taking a deep breath I forced myself to get into the truck. He placed his hand on my arm through the open window. 

"Partners?" 

Gripping the steering wheel tightly, I couldn't respond immediately. I tried to tell him no, wanted to just drive away, but I knew there was only one answer I would ever give him. Not meeting his gaze, I closed my eyes with resignation. "Always." 

Starting the engine, I pulled away, letting the tears fall as Ray grew smaller in my rearview mirror. 

****

_ My Dear Ray, _

_ Have I told you how much I enjoyed your visit? It was truly a pleasure to have you and your family at my cabin. I'm glad Mia enjoyed the trip. She did seem to enjoy making snowmen and playing with Dief. Hard to believe she's already three, she's growing up frighteningly fast. _

_ I hope you're taking care of yourself, Ray. You have been losing more weight than you can afford over the past year or so, I was becoming concerned. Amy seems more relaxed, however, so I can only presume things are getting back on track.  _

_ I'm truly glad, Ray. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I am beyond grateful that you and Amy have welcomed me into your family. I love Mia as though she were my own. _

_ I apologise for my fit of pique in our last correspondence. I had just learned that Maggie was engaged to be married and I was honestly feeling quite sorry for myself. Thank you for not holding a foolish man's feelings against him. _

_ I am going on patrol next week so I will be out of touch for a while but yes, I should be available for Christmas. I shall see you then. _

_ Do take care of yourself, Ray.  _

_ Your _

_ Ben  _

****

I was glad to be home after my patrol. It was sheer luck to get back before the storm that was brewing, by a matter of hours. I wouldn't have long to shore up the cabin before I likely got snowed in for a week or so. It was fortunate I had stocked up on supplies before I left. There would be no opportunity to drive to town. 

Leaving the dogs' shed, I frowned at my cabin. Surely I hadn't been so careless as to leave a light on? What a monumental waste of electricity, not to mention the cost. 

Trudging up the steps, I opened the door and was greeted by warmth and light and Ray. 

Feeling a sudden flash of frustrated anger at his unexpected visit, I frowned. The expectation that he could just turn up without warning, reminding me of my naive complicity in the mess that was our friendship and his marriage, was jarring. "Ray?" 

He turned slowly from the kitchen stove where he was cooking something. "Hey Ben." His smile was tentative, probably due to my obvious consternation. He ducked his head coyly and ran a hand through his now mostly light grey hair. "I hope you don't mind…?"

I shook my head, at a momentary loss for words. Ray looked good. Better than he had for longer than I cared to remember. He was clean shaven, his hair was shorter, slightly spiky and askew on his head, neater than a month ago. He'd put on a bit of weight too and I couldn't help but smile a little. He looked like himself again. "You look...good."

"Thanks, I feel good," he flashed me a quick smile. "You want some stew? You gotta be hungry. Go on, go clean up and," he glanced over his shoulder at me hopefully. "And we can talk." 

I didn’t know what to think about Ray's sudden appearance in my home. I should have minded, been angry. In spite of the fact he had told me he loved me, he'd taken advantage of my feelings and I had spent the past month trying in vain not to think about the man. I didn't dare give voice to any hope I still naively held. Showering quickly, I shaved and got dressed. 

Joining Ray in the living room, he had already dished out a bowl of stew for me and placed it on the table beside an envelope. “What's this?” 

He cocked his head and sat down opposite me. “Open it.” 

Putting down the stew, I peeled back the strip and took out the papers inside. “Divorce papers,” I stated, looking up at him. “It’s finalised then?”

Nodding, Ray peered up at me hesitantly from beneath his long eyelashes. “I uh, had some stuff to figure out and some immigration paperwork to file and you know how I am with paperwork, so I’m sorry I’ve been quiet. I meant to call, but by the time I got round to it a couple of weeks ago, you’d already gone on patrol.” 

"You don't owe me an explanation, Ray." Keeping my expression neutral, I picked up my spoon and continued to eat my stew. I had nothing more to say. Ray’s life was his own. 

“I know, I know. I uh, got most of my shit sorted and went to visit my parents like I said.”

“How are they?” I asked simply.

“They’re good. Gettin’ on, you know, but hanging in there.” Ray shifted in his chair, his leg bouncing as it did when he was nervous or tense. It was most likely in response to my terseness. “I wanted to…” he cleared his throat. “To apologise for how things ended a month ago. I was a mess and I needed to get my head on straight. And now that I have and I’m thinking clearly for the first time in God knows how long, I had to come see you.” 

Finishing the stew, I straightened in my seat and pushed the bowl away. Folding my arms, I finally looked up at Ray, my expression blank as I studied him. I willed my heart to be still and my hands to stop trembling in spite of the front I was portraying. “Apology accepted.” 

“That’s it?” 

“That’s what?”

“I come up here, I tell you I sorted out some shit. That I’m divorced again and I’m in the process of immigrating here and that I’m sorry for hurting you and all you can say is; apology accepted?” 

“Do you not want me to accept your apology?” 

“No, of course I do, I just… fuck, you’re not going to make this easy are you?...Yeah, I get it, I deserve it, after how I’ve treated you, I’m lucky not to get punched in the face. I just, maybe it would be better if you got mad or shouted or something because I don’t know what to do with uh…” he gestured to me with a wave of his hand. “With this.” 

“With what, Ray?”

“This! You being all closed and distant and cold...please Ben...talk to me.” 

Frowning, I looked down at the table. “What is it you want me to say? I’m glad you’re finally sorting your life out, Ray. You don’t need my approval.”

“I’m not here for your approval, Ben. I’m here for you.” Ray was pacing now and running his hands through his hair. He turned to face me, his eyes so bright and intense that I had to look away. “Ben, I...is the offer of coming home with you, still on the table? If it’s not, I can go and no hard feelings, I would understand, I would, but you gotta tell me. Please?” 

"Don't be ridiculous, Ray. You can't leave, there's a storm coming." I heard myself say, automatically. When his words finally registered, I was so stunned that a wave of dizziness overcame me and I forgot to breathe. Ray was by my side in an instant as I curled over my knees. 

“Ben! You okay?” 

Looking up I caught his frantic pale blue eyes staring up at me as he crouched in front of me. “You, you want to be... _ with _ me?” 

“If you’ll have me,” he whispered, his hand trembling as it touched my chin and lifted my face. 

Good Lord, it was hopeless for me to try and resist this man. I was weak and the thought he could manipulate me so easily angered me. His indecision had deeply hurt yet I still loved him no matter how much it broke my heart. I couldn't stop myself and Ray knew. He  _ knew _ . A low keen escaped me before I could stop it. “How long?” 

“What do you mean how long?” he frowned in confusion, shuffling closer to me on his knees in front of me. 

“To be here with me...how long will you stay?” 

His eyes widened and he looked stricken. “Ben, I want to  _ be _ with you, I love you. I have always loved you. I’ve been a coward and I’m so so fucking sorry. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, loving you.” he paused, a tear slipping down his cheek. “I want to be with you, until death us do part, if you’ll have me.”

I couldn’t speak, I could barely breathe as he kissed me so gently it wrought a sob from my lips. I had never been able to deny Ray, my Ray and here he was asking me to let him stay, to let him love me. Begging me with his kisses and his words. I was helpless to refuse, as I had always known I would be. Sliding off the chair to kneel on the floor, I tugged him into a tight embrace, my lips crushing against his. I broke it with a gasp and pressed my forehead against his. “Ray, you really mean this? If...if you change your mind again, if you can’t stay, I couldn’t...it would destroy everything we are. It would  _ kill _ me…”

“Shhh, Ben, I really mean it, I’m never leaving you again, ever. You’re it for me, and I am so sorry it took me this damn long to see it. Please, please forgive me.” 

Kissing him again, I let my love for Ray consume me. “I already have.”

****

“Uncle Ben!” 

“Mia, oof!” I found myself flat on my back in the snow with a laughing ten year old plastered to my chest. 

“I think you’re a little too big to be pouncing on Uncle Ben, Mia,” Ray laughed, lifting his daughter off me and pulling her into a tight hug as I picked myself up off the floor. 

“Sorry, Uncle Ben,” Mia grinned brightly. “Where’s Welsh?” she asked excitedly. 

Ray chuckled, “He’s in the house, he’s got an injured paw so be careful.” Mia laughed and ran into the house shouting Welsh’s name after waving to her mother who was approaching us from the car. 

“Amy, it’s good to see you,” I gave her a smile that was returned. 

“Hello Benton, you’re looking well.” 

“Thank you and you.” I glanced over as her husband approached and gave a little wave. “How are you, John?” I asked with a smile. 

“Good, I’m uh good, thanks. Thought I’d die of old age before we arrived here though,” he let out a short laugh. “Amy doesn’t like driving on some of the cross country roads. Had to take it slow.” 

“Ah. Caution is always prudent,” I replied. 

Amy huffed. “He thinks I drive too slowly.” 

“Yes, I get similar complaints,” I cast Ray a wry look. 

“Ben, there’s slow and there’s glacial and you, buddy, are ice age.” Ray winked at me and looked back at Amy, sparing John barely a cursory glance as the man curled an arm around Amy’s waist. “Thanks for bringing Mia.”

“It’s no problem.” 

“Yeah, Mia only wanted to stop to take a picture like fifty times,” John quipped.

“She’s still interested in photography then?” 

John nodded. “Which is fine when you’re not already driving for eleven hours, you know?” 

“You could have tried withholding her camera until she arrived here,” I suggested. 

John whistled. “No way, no how. Tried that, never doing that again. The only thing worse than an eleven hour drive with a ten year old is an eleven hour drive with a  _ screaming _ ten year old.” 

“Ah.” 

Amy rolled her eyes at John who managed to look contrite much to my bemusement. Then she looked at Ray who was being rather quiet. I know he’d been worried about Amy’s reaction to our news. “Are you ready for the big day?” 

I glanced at Ray. He grinned at me and took hold of my hand. “More than ready,” he answered firmly. 

John held out his hand to me. “Yeah, I guess uh congrats are in order.” 

“Thank you kindly.” I shook his hand and watched as he awkwardly offered it to Ray who showed minimal hesitance in shaking it and being polite. 

“Thanks, appreciate it.”

After Ray had found out that Amy had started seeing John before their divorce was finalised, Ray had made little effort to be cordial with him. Even going so far as to be quite unpleasant whenever we had to interact with him and Amy - that was until I pointed out that he too had had relations before his divorce was final, and that one should not throw stones in glass houses.

Amy smiled and handed me Mia’s bag. “Third time’s a charm eh?” she chuckled. “Mia has talked about nothing else all week. Well, we should be heading back. We’ll pick her up in two weeks. Try not to spoil her too much, please?” 

“Of course.” I ducked into the cabin and dropped the bag. “Mia, come and say goodbye to your mother and John.” 

Mia skipped down the steps followed by Welsh who bounded around with all the energy of a puppy. Mia hugged her mother tightly and then gave John a tight hug too. 

“Be good, Mia and take lots of pictures of the wedding, okay?” Amy brushed her daughter’s blonde hair behind her ears. 

“I know,” Mia grinned, winking at her father. “Need to get proof that Dad owns a suit.”

Ray shook his head and laughed softly. “Har de har har. Kid thinks she’s a comedian. Get in the house, Trouble, before I kick you in the head.”

“Ray,” Amy chided with a sigh.

Mia just laughed. “You’ll have to catch me first!” she called out brightly, dashing back into the cabin.

“I wonder where she gets that from,” I teased, earning a ‘Don’t you start,’ look from Ray. 

“Kids, huh? Good luck,” John chuckled. 

Amy just smiled and said goodbye, taking John’s hand as they headed back to their truck. We gave them a wave as the truck drove away. I shifted to stand behind Ray and wrapped my arms around him. “That wasn’t so bad was it?”

“No, I guess not.” Ray murmured. “Amy’s probably not surprised in the least. In fact I think everybody that knows me said something along the lines of ‘about damn time’ or ‘what took you so long’. Seems everybody else knew what I should do with my life before I did.”

“Does that bother you?”

“A bit yeah, sometimes. More that I can’t believe I was such a jerk for so long you know?” He inhaled deeply and squeezed my arms. “Was too scared and stupid. Someone should have kicked me in the head a long time ago.”

“And now? Are you scared and stupid?”

“Hell no!”

“Are you nervous?”

He laughed and tilted his head to the side a little as I kissed his ear. “Why would I be nervous?” 

“Getting married tomorrow,” I murmured. 

Letting me indulge in nuzzling and playfully licking at his ear and neck, Ray didn’t reply immediately. His frenetic energy was much less prominent these days. He was a much more focused, thoughtful, satisfied and content man, which I enjoyed taking the credit for quite often. 

“Thank you Ben,” he murmured softly. 

Surprised, I let him turn in my arms to face me. “For what?” 

His smile was dazzling and warm, it lit up his whole face and made his eyes sparkle like freshly fallen snow. “For letting me build castles in the sky with you.” 

“Oh, Ray,” I kissed his forehead, his nose and then his lips softly. “The castle was always there, it just took you awhile to find your way home.” 

A loud crash, some gleeful barking and a guiltily uttered ‘shit’ escaped our open cabin door and we both shared a wince. “It appears we won’t have much of a castle left, however, if we let Storm Kowalski have her way, Ray,” I murmured dryly with a raised eyebrow.

“Better go save it from The Mia before she destroys the place then. I honestly don’t know where she gets the energy from,” he grinned. 

He headed up the steps, leading me by the hand. “Oh, I think I do, Ray,” and I laughed when he threw me a pointed look. “Mia Kowalski is a beautiful force of nature, just like her father.” 

****

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

But high up above or down below

When you are too in love to let it show

Oh but if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you


End file.
